I LOST MY PATIENCE WHEN I LOST YOU

Going to work is a dread because I am constantly in a foul mood.. Before my mom pass away I was able to tolerate all kinds of bullshit... right now i realize that my patience has faded away ... faded away when i lost her ..many times i felt like yelling at my annoying boss.. he has been annoying every single minute of the day every day ever since my first day here... but these couple of month it just felt like I can't tolerate his nonsense anymore.. perhaps he is the outlet for my frustration , perhaps I am depressed and I need to find a reason to burst...... I dunno but I definitely can't hang on long with all these crap I am facing at work right now... I hate the constant changing after the project is done.. i cant stand having to do everything from scratch every time i am given project and no guideline whatsoever.. and then once i completed the task... its a 360 degree change ..... and bla bla bla.. the whole nine yards of an annoying boss......... every time i come to work now i feel like i am going to the death chamber...that dreadful feeling every morning is a sign that perhaps i need a change... perhaps.... after you were gone i have the chance to reflect where i am in life... and i am able to realize that Ive been doing bullshit for an idiot all these while... or perhaps i am just depressed and its affecting me ...... i dunno.. right now i just cant wait to go home and lay in my bed under the covers.. to cry over you....

Mak.... is it alright?
It's more than a month since you went away.. I do hope you are in a better place right now... I am not very spiritual and religious but I pray so hard every day and every time i think of you that you will be happy forever after this.. no more pain and suffering.. no more heartaches and forever happy....I am still coping... .. last week i dreamt of you... seems like you were on your way to somewhere.. and you gave me your very last hug... you did not say anything.. but I can smell your familiar scent.. that comfortable warm feeling came to me when i smell your warmth... i hate to be awaken from that dream...... it made me miss you more..... but i know you had to go .. it is your time.. it was the better choice.....yea right.... no point trying to comfort myself every freaking minute of the day... the fact is i am angry depressed and i don't feel i can cope with your passing... right now i just want to feel sorry for myself for losing you.. i just want to feel like a victim... i just want to blame the cruel world for making me love you so deeply and taking you away from me..... i just feel so afraid of that feeling love right now.. coz it brings great pain... its hard to handle....... i want to cry so bad but for some reason.. I can't .. I call out to you everyday.. screaming on top of my lungs in my car on the drive to work and back .. when i am truly alone.. and no one is around... when i don't have to pretend its going to be alright and put on a fake smile.......with hope that it is all a bad dream and when i call home you would be there to answer me and be dorky with me...and everything will be alright..... alright.... i can't see that is going to be alright.... it is not it is a fact.. it will never be alright again... because a big huge chuck of my heart is gone... and ten years down the road.. i will still feel the same.......nothing can mend this heart ...... until we are reunited again.. when the time comes.... when i can feel your warmth again... when i don't need to pretend... when i can stop facing this world without you.... i just wish i could feel your warmth and see your smile once again......only then it will be alright...

I never imagined it to be this bad...I feel void without you

I was never a very emotional touchy feely person... Ive always been kinda dry .. I thought i was strong.. but i am so wrong... mum's passing has really bended me.... its been hard every single day for me to wake up and go on with life... its been harder for me to sleep at night and not think of her... every night i pray that she will be blissfully happy... but i am suffering inside .... and one can only imagine the pain... even with everyone trying to support me and be by my side..i am still hurting.... i put on a strong front ... but im crumbling inside... i just wish i am not this weak...... i feel so void inside.. my heart is feels like an empty crumpled up box right now ...
i just want to cry my heart out all day long....