MAK....

Its been almost a month since Mak's passing.. I am back in the USA and it sucks.. horribly... Porky has been trying his best to make me happy.. but the fact is.. I am miserable without Mak.....Everyday is a chore these days... everything i do I think of her.... I went to walmart the other day... when i passed the clothing department and saw the shelves of white stag t shirt that she loved it hit me so hard... that i cant buy anything anymore for her... i still look around for stuff to buy for her... and my heart constantly feels like it has been stabbed a million times and its bleeding so bad.... coz i know i will never see her delightful smile when i buy her nice lil things....... the drive to work is so hard because it reminds me of when I was driving her around in Malaysia.. our moments together in the car gossiping and showing her places....taking her to Tesco or to her mother's house..... being at the office is also horrible because I use to call her from my office and hear her voice ..... now i know i wont ever hear her voice anymore... it hurts so bad.. its so hard to deal with .. i fell like trash... i feel like laying in bed all day with a huge box of kleenex and cry my heart out and call out to her... maybe she would come back..maybe this was just a very bad dream... maybe i can at least hug her one last time.. maybe i can smell her sweet powder scent.. maybe i can just let her play with my hair and pet me like she use to when we were chilling out at home.....i wish i can see her once again sitting on her favourite lazy chair in her sarong.. in her cotton colored t shirt eating snack and watching malay drama..... its so hard to deal with....its so hard to lose mak.... memory of seeing her last breath was the only thing on my mind right now... to see her last tears... to see her lost battle with cancer...... it hurts so bad.....