Mak.... is it alright?
It's more than a month since you went away.. I do hope you are in a better place right now... I am not very spiritual and religious but I pray so hard every day and every time i think of you that you will be happy forever after this.. no more pain and suffering.. no more heartaches and forever happy....I am still coping... .. last week i dreamt of you... seems like you were on your way to somewhere.. and you gave me your very last hug... you did not say anything.. but I can smell your familiar scent.. that comfortable warm feeling came to me when i smell your warmth... i hate to be awaken from that dream...... it made me miss you more..... but i know you had to go .. it is your time.. it was the better choice.....yea right.... no point trying to comfort myself every freaking minute of the day... the fact is i am angry depressed and i don't feel i can cope with your passing... right now i just want to feel sorry for myself for losing you.. i just want to feel like a victim... i just want to blame the cruel world for making me love you so deeply and taking you away from me..... i just feel so afraid of that feeling love right now.. coz it brings great pain... its hard to handle....... i want to cry so bad but for some reason.. I can't .. I call out to you everyday.. screaming on top of my lungs in my car on the drive to work and back .. when i am truly alone.. and no one is around... when i don't have to pretend its going to be alright and put on a fake smile.......with hope that it is all a bad dream and when i call home you would be there to answer me and be dorky with me...and everything will be alright..... alright.... i can't see that is going to be alright.... it is not it is a fact.. it will never be alright again... because a big huge chuck of my heart is gone... and ten years down the road.. i will still feel the same.......nothing can mend this heart ...... until we are reunited again.. when the time comes.... when i can feel your warmth again... when i don't need to pretend... when i can stop facing this world without you.... i just wish i could feel your warmth and see your smile once again......only then it will be alright...